DWP: Dating While Pregnant

Awkward topic, right? Indeed, it's awkward for me to even write about, since people I know in real life read this blog. (Hi Mom...) And yet, with a dearth of available sources on what it means to date while single and queer and pregnant, I feel a sort of responsibility to document some small piece of my own experience. Mainly, this post is for those of you who don't know me, and rather, have found this blog through your own interest in queer single parenthood. You know, all four of you. Because, if nothing else, I want it to be a part of the public record that you can indeed date while pregnant.

Which is not to say that it isn't complicated.

The first thing to know is this: You will want to have sex while pregnant. In fact, you will want to have a lot sex. As soon as that first trimester nausea passes, you will become more sex-obsessed than a 16-year-old boy.

You will not find this information in What to Expect When You're Expecting. (Nor, for that matter, will you find the words "queer," "gay," "lesbian," or "trans," but that's a post for another day.) In fact, many pregnancy books focus on telling you that it's okay to NOT want to have sex, or that gentle, non-penetrative sex is what many women prefer while doing the important, nurturing work of growing a fetus. My friends, not only has this not been my experience, but once you get pregnant, women everywhere (queer, straight, single, and partnered) will all let you in on a little secret: pregnancy makes you want to get it on.

The problem, of course, is that those of us becoming single parents don't necessarily have a sex partner on tap.

When I thought about being pregnant and single, it honestly didn't occur to me that this would be a time in which I'd want to date. The emotional complications seemed huge, especially after having experienced so many ups and downs in my last relationship, most of which were due to my desire to have a baby. It seemed so much simpler to imagine waiting until after the kid was here, a known quantity. And then too, I couldn't imagine feeling hot in maternity wear. I mean, can you really get laid while you're wearing leggings, or jeans with an elastic waistband?

Amazingly, the answer is yes.

Dating while pregnant is great in lots of ways. In a moment in which your body is changing dramatically, and your self-image requires constant re-negotiation, being with someone who thinks you're sexy is a really powerful thing. In addition to feeding the aforementioned sex obsession, dating can be a fun and playful way to explore the ways in which your body is changing, with someone else. And in my case, dating someone who thinks that becoming a parent is cool has been an incredibly validating experience.

But there is, of course, a flip side. And that, for me at least, is that pregnancy brings out emotional vulnerabilities you never knew were there. Dating while pregnant is thrilling one moment, and terrifying the next. Because here's the thing: you're embarking on one of the biggest, most exciting things you've ever done, and sharing that, even a small part of it, with someone who might not stick around until the end can be a very scary undertaking. You have to constantly ask yourself, is this worth the risk of getting hurt?

I don't know the answer to that question. Most days, I feel like I'm fumbling blindly down an unmarked path. There are so few role models for making a family in this way, I often have no one to turn to for words of wisdom or advice. Even my therapist said the other day, "Well, there's certainly no textbook answer for that!" All I can do is continue to make the best decisions possible for myself, my baby, our future. Who knows how it will all turn out? In the meantime, I'll keep you posted...