Ah yes, it's true. QueerBabyMaking missed the requisite Fathers Day post, in which I tell you all about how my family is okay even though we don't have a father. Blame the internet, which was down all weekend. Or blame my own father, who has never, in the entire history of my life, been on time for anything. So perhaps it's appropriate that this brief rumination on fathers comes some days after the fact.
Several thoughts to share:
1. I did spend part of Fathers Day at the Home Depot, not in search of tools for dad, but rather, an appropriately sized o-ring. My local happy feminist sex toy shop was all out, and I foolishly believed the salesperson who cheerfully said, "Oh just go down to the Home Depot. You can pick one up there!" Just in case anyone's wondering, no, in fact you can't just walk in to the Home Depot and be immediately directed to the hardware for your sex toys. Or maybe you can, but, amidst all the dads and families browsing new grills for fathers day, I was too shy to reveal my exact intentions, and instead, kept referring vaguely to a "project" that I'm sure confused the many middle-aged men I enlisted in my quest. I never did find a metal one, which is what I wanted, but should anyone else be looking for the rubber kind, I suggest you check out the plumbing section.
2. I also remembered to call my father to wish him a happy day. He asked me to use the computer to try and find him a ticket to Greece (where he was born and raised). I asked him about his planned travel dates, and discovered that he wants to be out of the country from early July through October. Upon pointing out that I would almost definitely be having a baby in the next seven or eight weeks, and suggesting that perhaps he might want to be around for that, he said, "Yes, of course. If I can't afford a ticket to Greece, I will definitely come." Right.
3. Finally, on Monday, I went to pick up Loverboi J from the airport. He arrived, but his bags did not, and we thus had a long and somewhat uncomfortable interaction with Patrick, the extremely friendly but not so queer-savvy luggage coordinator for Northwest Airlines. While we sat around waiting for the various lost-luggage paperwork to be processed, Patrick, in making what seemed to be his trademark attempt at friendly conversation, first asked us if we were sisters. He then demanded to know why we were laughing as we answered with an emphatic "No!" This line of questioning was happily dropped when Patrick noticed my pregnancy. I then, however, had to field a number of questions such as:
Patrick: "Where's the dad?'
QueerBabyMaking: "There is no dad."
P: "But I don't understand, everyone has a dad."
QBM: "Nope, not this kid."
P: "Oh, is he dead?"
QBM: [looks helplessly at J] "Nope, not dead. No dad."
J: "Actually, we're both going to raise it."
P: [looks helplessly at us both] "Ah, well, I hope that you are very good parents."
Amazingly, J's luggage did eventually show up.
The whole interaction was sort of comical, except for all of the ways in which it wasn't. And it drove home again all of the ways in which having a queer family means constantly explaining yourself, even in circumstances that have nothing to do with you or your kid. The privilege of having your family accepted at face value is indeed a heterosexual one. Even though the majority of people I meet and talk to are in fact very friendly and accepting of my family, my choices, I still have to explain them. Every time. Over and over again. This work of constantly outing one's self, constantly educating others, constantly being a happy, smiley role model for those freaky queer breeders everywhere, is exhausting sometimes. But I keep doing it, because I do honestly believe that it matters.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Barefoot and Pregnant
It's true. In the face of 98 degree weather, I've become that pregnant person who waddles around the apartment in her underwear, donning a sundress and flipflops for just long enough to walk the dog around the block.
In other news...
I went camping this weekend with loverboi J, our good friends Eyeball and Novalicious, and Harvey the Superdog. Here are some highlights and public service announcements:
Camping while 32 weeks pregnant: not an issue. In fact, just fine. I recommend it. Especially if your boifriend has an inflatable queen size air mattress.
Camping in temperatures that fluctuated between 45 and 95 degrees over the course of the weekend: more of an issue. My advice? Bring a sleeping bag, no matter what weather.com says.
Camping in what I think might be a state-department sponsored site of mosquito-based bio-weaponry: such a huge issue, especially if you're trying to avoid giving your fetus an extra limb by saturating it with DEET. Kudos to the guy at Whole Foods who directed us to the Neem Oil, which did in fact seem to deter some of them. I do have some bites, but considering the insane mosquito-to-human ratio, I think I did okay.
(Poor Superdog, however, did not fare as well. After spending Friday night vomiting up whatever dead thing he managed to ingest while slinking away from my watchful eye, he developed a terrible skin rash all over his belly, and has now been sentenced to twice-weekly antibiotic shampoos for the next month.)
On transportation: Due to the fact that J and Eyeball both like to celebrate their respective butch badassness by driving pickup trucks, and due to the fact that gas in my neighborhood currently costs $4.10/gallon, we opted to squeeze into one car for family vacation. Being the only person amongst us who owns a car that seats four (no, J, those seats in the back of the truck do not count), this meant that we all piled into my aging Nissan Sentra for our weekend away. Memorial day, when we went out to the Cape to visit M-Star and frolic by the sea, this worked just fine. This time, with tents, coolers, hatchets, two fishing poles, three tackle boxes, two camp stoves, and at least seven flashlights, quarters were a bit more cramped. Eyeball and Novalicious were smushed into a third of the backseat. Superdog spent the drive buried on the floor, under a pile of pillows and Cheezits. And, although I enjoyed the pregnancy privilege of having the front seat in both directions, even I was wedged in between several backpacks, two foam "fun noodles," and a fishing pole.
Regardless, we had a great time, and Baby Fang enjoyed her first camping trip. We also spent Saturday in Northampton for Trans Pride, which though plagued by heat stroke, was a lot of fun. It was awesome to see a bunch of queers and trannies milling about in one place (a place that isn't San Francisco, that is), and nice to see other families that looked a little bit like mine.
Now, back in Providence, I'm sitting in a pile of sweat and eating frozen strawberry bars like there's no tomorrow. Loverboi departed this afternoon for a week-long trip to Scotland, and, in a move that now seems ill-considered, we used our last hour together to fuck instead of installing the window air conditioning unit. I always knew that I'd pay a price for my promiscuity. Who knew that it would be heat rash, rather than an STD?
And with that, I'll close this long and rambly post, and spare you the rest of my heat-addled brainstormings...
In other news...
I went camping this weekend with loverboi J, our good friends Eyeball and Novalicious, and Harvey the Superdog. Here are some highlights and public service announcements:
Camping while 32 weeks pregnant: not an issue. In fact, just fine. I recommend it. Especially if your boifriend has an inflatable queen size air mattress.
Camping in temperatures that fluctuated between 45 and 95 degrees over the course of the weekend: more of an issue. My advice? Bring a sleeping bag, no matter what weather.com says.
Camping in what I think might be a state-department sponsored site of mosquito-based bio-weaponry: such a huge issue, especially if you're trying to avoid giving your fetus an extra limb by saturating it with DEET. Kudos to the guy at Whole Foods who directed us to the Neem Oil, which did in fact seem to deter some of them. I do have some bites, but considering the insane mosquito-to-human ratio, I think I did okay.
(Poor Superdog, however, did not fare as well. After spending Friday night vomiting up whatever dead thing he managed to ingest while slinking away from my watchful eye, he developed a terrible skin rash all over his belly, and has now been sentenced to twice-weekly antibiotic shampoos for the next month.)
On transportation: Due to the fact that J and Eyeball both like to celebrate their respective butch badassness by driving pickup trucks, and due to the fact that gas in my neighborhood currently costs $4.10/gallon, we opted to squeeze into one car for family vacation. Being the only person amongst us who owns a car that seats four (no, J, those seats in the back of the truck do not count), this meant that we all piled into my aging Nissan Sentra for our weekend away. Memorial day, when we went out to the Cape to visit M-Star and frolic by the sea, this worked just fine. This time, with tents, coolers, hatchets, two fishing poles, three tackle boxes, two camp stoves, and at least seven flashlights, quarters were a bit more cramped. Eyeball and Novalicious were smushed into a third of the backseat. Superdog spent the drive buried on the floor, under a pile of pillows and Cheezits. And, although I enjoyed the pregnancy privilege of having the front seat in both directions, even I was wedged in between several backpacks, two foam "fun noodles," and a fishing pole.
Regardless, we had a great time, and Baby Fang enjoyed her first camping trip. We also spent Saturday in Northampton for Trans Pride, which though plagued by heat stroke, was a lot of fun. It was awesome to see a bunch of queers and trannies milling about in one place (a place that isn't San Francisco, that is), and nice to see other families that looked a little bit like mine.
Now, back in Providence, I'm sitting in a pile of sweat and eating frozen strawberry bars like there's no tomorrow. Loverboi departed this afternoon for a week-long trip to Scotland, and, in a move that now seems ill-considered, we used our last hour together to fuck instead of installing the window air conditioning unit. I always knew that I'd pay a price for my promiscuity. Who knew that it would be heat rash, rather than an STD?
And with that, I'll close this long and rambly post, and spare you the rest of my heat-addled brainstormings...
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
One Year Later
Somehow, in all the craziness of life these days, I forgot to post that yesterday was the one-year anniversary of my first insemination. In all of the inseminations that I did over seven months of trying to get pregnant, the first was by far my favorite, simply because so many people I loved were there. And, though I'm generally much more rational than this, when I got pregnant that first time, I really was convinced that it was because of all the queer love in my apartment that night.
A few nights ago, I had a dream about going into labor. I went to the hospital by myself, but when I got there, I discovered that all of my friends and family were there waiting for me. My sister was there, and my old friends who are now far-scattered, and indeed, everyone from that first insemination was there too, along with all of my other local friends and my lover. I wasn't in active labor yet, so we all sat around talking, laughing, and I woke up feeling so happy, so relaxed, so excited about giving birth. I woke up feeling loved, which is just how I felt at that first insemination.
Happy anniversary, kids. I can't wait for us all to finally welcome this baby!
A few nights ago, I had a dream about going into labor. I went to the hospital by myself, but when I got there, I discovered that all of my friends and family were there waiting for me. My sister was there, and my old friends who are now far-scattered, and indeed, everyone from that first insemination was there too, along with all of my other local friends and my lover. I wasn't in active labor yet, so we all sat around talking, laughing, and I woke up feeling so happy, so relaxed, so excited about giving birth. I woke up feeling loved, which is just how I felt at that first insemination.
Happy anniversary, kids. I can't wait for us all to finally welcome this baby!
Monday, June 2, 2008
Tips for Planning a Queer-Friendly Birthing Class
So, as we approach the final week of my birthing class, I've been thinking about the sort of feedback I'd like to provide to our instructor. In doing so, it occurred to me that it might be useful to compile this as a list that might be helpful to others. Please note that this is not meant to be comprehensive, but rather, to serve as a starting point for a discussion on how to plan better, more inclusive, birthing classes. If you have specific additions or suggestions, please leave a comment, and I'll incorporate them into the post.
1. Advertising and Promotional Materials
Does your website or course brochure picture new parents? Consider including pictures of same-sex couples, of single parents, and of pregnant people who are transgender or genderqueer. Are the participants pictured racially and ethnically diverse? Differently abled? Does the language in your brochure refer to "couples," and to "moms" and "dads"? Perhaps consider adjusting your language to be more inclusive. (More on language below...)
2. Class Policies
One of the reasons I chose the class that I did was because the instructor didn't bat an eye when I asked if I could bring two people to each class, both of whom would be acting as my birthing companions. (The local natural and crunchy pregnancy/baby center, on the other hand, would have required that we pay an additional 50% of the course fee in order to bring an extra person.) For those of us with families that don't fit the two-parent norm, this is a big selling point.
3. Language! Language! Language!
This is might be the single biggest thing to think about when planning and teaching a class. Instructors, please recognize that using language that refers to a two-parent heterosexual family is incredibly alienating for those of us who are single parents, queer parents, parents with multiple partners. Here are some specifics:
Dads - This seems so obvious, I feel like I shouldn't have to write it, but the world of birth prep is full of the language of fatherhood. You know, not all families have dads. Some of us have partners. Some of us have two moms. Some of us don't have any other co-parents. I personally would advocate for just not using this word.
Partners- Okay, I'm a bigger fan of this. It's not gender-specific, it can be easily made plural, and I feel like it denotes a broader range of relationships. I would point out, however, that not everyone has a partner. Thus, it really shouldn't be used interchangeably with "birth coach," "birth companion," "birth partner," or whatever term your particular class uses for the people who are there to be part of the birth process.
Moms- This is a place where I think language becomes really challenging. So many messages out there tell us that the person bearing a baby is a mom, and, in the context of a family, the only mom. This isn't, however, always the case. First of all, I know quite a few transgender men who have gotten pregnant and born children. For them, the label "mom" simply doesn't fit. Second, I know many, many families in which there are two moms. In these cases, to refer to the pregnant person as "mom" subtly reinforces the notion (which is sadly all too prevalent in the world) that the partner who isn't pregnant also isn't "mom." My birthing instructor, for example, often says, "Okay, moms, do X, and birthing companions do Y." I often think about how I would feel if I were there with a pregnant partner who was constantly being referred to as "mom," while I was not. Non-bio moms are so often rendered invisible, socially, legally, culturally. This is a place where birthing instructors can have a great impact with their language. Perhaps using words like "pregnant people" rather than "moms" will feel awkward at first. But, it will make for much more inclusive classes.
4. Talking About Sex
We all have questions about sex. We all want to know what it's okay to do and not do in pregnancy. Please feel comfortable talking about sex, and don't assume that sex=penis in vagina with sperm. The other day, my birthing instructor said that sex can be a great way to help speed up labor - because of the chemical reaction of the cervix to sperm. It's fine to offer up this information, but do it in ways that recognize that not everyone's sex life involves sperm, and let the rest of us know how this information impacts us. One might say, for example, "Sex can be a great way to help a labor along, and those of you whose sex life involves sperm will have the added benefit of this chemical reaction." Similarly, parents who are single don't necessarily have outside sex partners. What about masturbation? Would that be helpful? If so, how?
5. Thinking About Bodies
Not all of us have gender identities that match our physical bodies. Not all of our bodies can do the same things. Think about how to make the material you present relevant to people who can't necessarily perform all of the exercises or motions you might suggest. Think about how to incorporate material that addresses the issues of people who identify as and are recognized as men, but have uteruses, and may be pregnant.
6. Information on Dealing with Hospitals, Doctors, etc.
Please keep in mind that those of us who don't have husbands have additional things to think about when planning our births. Is your local hospital queer-friendly? Will they allow a same-sex partner to stay overnight in the room, and have 24/7 access to the baby? What happens in the case of an emergency surgery, or, god forbid, a situation in which the birthing parent is no longer conscious? These are things that queer families need to think about in advance, and birthing instructors who educate themselves on these topics will be a great resource to their students.
Recommended Reading
The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth by Stephanie Brill discusses so many of these issues and more. I highly, highly recommend it both to people consider parenthood and to birth professionals who want a great resource for understanding more about queer parenting.
And now, for your thoughts...
This list is a work in progress. I often don't want to blog until I have a complete thought worked out. Here, however, I'm starting this list in hopes that it can become a collaborative effort. I will add more items as I think of them. And I encourage you to add comments and suggestions of your own. Let's make this a helpful resource for birth professionals and others!
1. Advertising and Promotional Materials
Does your website or course brochure picture new parents? Consider including pictures of same-sex couples, of single parents, and of pregnant people who are transgender or genderqueer. Are the participants pictured racially and ethnically diverse? Differently abled? Does the language in your brochure refer to "couples," and to "moms" and "dads"? Perhaps consider adjusting your language to be more inclusive. (More on language below...)
2. Class Policies
One of the reasons I chose the class that I did was because the instructor didn't bat an eye when I asked if I could bring two people to each class, both of whom would be acting as my birthing companions. (The local natural and crunchy pregnancy/baby center, on the other hand, would have required that we pay an additional 50% of the course fee in order to bring an extra person.) For those of us with families that don't fit the two-parent norm, this is a big selling point.
3. Language! Language! Language!
This is might be the single biggest thing to think about when planning and teaching a class. Instructors, please recognize that using language that refers to a two-parent heterosexual family is incredibly alienating for those of us who are single parents, queer parents, parents with multiple partners. Here are some specifics:
Dads - This seems so obvious, I feel like I shouldn't have to write it, but the world of birth prep is full of the language of fatherhood. You know, not all families have dads. Some of us have partners. Some of us have two moms. Some of us don't have any other co-parents. I personally would advocate for just not using this word.
Partners- Okay, I'm a bigger fan of this. It's not gender-specific, it can be easily made plural, and I feel like it denotes a broader range of relationships. I would point out, however, that not everyone has a partner. Thus, it really shouldn't be used interchangeably with "birth coach," "birth companion," "birth partner," or whatever term your particular class uses for the people who are there to be part of the birth process.
Moms- This is a place where I think language becomes really challenging. So many messages out there tell us that the person bearing a baby is a mom, and, in the context of a family, the only mom. This isn't, however, always the case. First of all, I know quite a few transgender men who have gotten pregnant and born children. For them, the label "mom" simply doesn't fit. Second, I know many, many families in which there are two moms. In these cases, to refer to the pregnant person as "mom" subtly reinforces the notion (which is sadly all too prevalent in the world) that the partner who isn't pregnant also isn't "mom." My birthing instructor, for example, often says, "Okay, moms, do X, and birthing companions do Y." I often think about how I would feel if I were there with a pregnant partner who was constantly being referred to as "mom," while I was not. Non-bio moms are so often rendered invisible, socially, legally, culturally. This is a place where birthing instructors can have a great impact with their language. Perhaps using words like "pregnant people" rather than "moms" will feel awkward at first. But, it will make for much more inclusive classes.
4. Talking About Sex
We all have questions about sex. We all want to know what it's okay to do and not do in pregnancy. Please feel comfortable talking about sex, and don't assume that sex=penis in vagina with sperm. The other day, my birthing instructor said that sex can be a great way to help speed up labor - because of the chemical reaction of the cervix to sperm. It's fine to offer up this information, but do it in ways that recognize that not everyone's sex life involves sperm, and let the rest of us know how this information impacts us. One might say, for example, "Sex can be a great way to help a labor along, and those of you whose sex life involves sperm will have the added benefit of this chemical reaction." Similarly, parents who are single don't necessarily have outside sex partners. What about masturbation? Would that be helpful? If so, how?
5. Thinking About Bodies
Not all of us have gender identities that match our physical bodies. Not all of our bodies can do the same things. Think about how to make the material you present relevant to people who can't necessarily perform all of the exercises or motions you might suggest. Think about how to incorporate material that addresses the issues of people who identify as and are recognized as men, but have uteruses, and may be pregnant.
6. Information on Dealing with Hospitals, Doctors, etc.
Please keep in mind that those of us who don't have husbands have additional things to think about when planning our births. Is your local hospital queer-friendly? Will they allow a same-sex partner to stay overnight in the room, and have 24/7 access to the baby? What happens in the case of an emergency surgery, or, god forbid, a situation in which the birthing parent is no longer conscious? These are things that queer families need to think about in advance, and birthing instructors who educate themselves on these topics will be a great resource to their students.
Recommended Reading
The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth by Stephanie Brill discusses so many of these issues and more. I highly, highly recommend it both to people consider parenthood and to birth professionals who want a great resource for understanding more about queer parenting.
And now, for your thoughts...
This list is a work in progress. I often don't want to blog until I have a complete thought worked out. Here, however, I'm starting this list in hopes that it can become a collaborative effort. I will add more items as I think of them. And I encourage you to add comments and suggestions of your own. Let's make this a helpful resource for birth professionals and others!
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