A Sad Day

Two very sad things happened today, both pregnancy related, though not my own. First, a woman who I know from my online parenting site, who's due at the same time I am, learned that she may be losing her baby. Then, a good friend of mine, who was due a month after I am, began to miscarry. These two pieces of news, so similar, and yet, from such different people, both made me so terribly sad.

My friend's loss is gut-wrenching. She has had a difficult pregnancy, with various health obstacles throughout. I feel like this miscarriage is the last thing she deserves. And, selfishly, I feel so sad for myself as well - I had these beautiful visions of our kids, born just weeks apart, becoming best friends. I was also so happy to have another queer pregnant friend. As my therapist says, it's a small tribe, and though I know lots of people online who are doing this, I don't have a huge network of gay and lesbian friends with families in real life.

The woman I know from online, I've never met in real life. I'm fairly sure that I never will. We are, it seems, incredibly different. I am a queer who chose to become a single parent in a fairly unconventional way. She is straight, Christian, married, a stay-at-home housewife - all of the traditional, conservative things that I will never be. We are on opposite ends of so many spectrums, and indeed, though we are taught to embrace diversity, these are precisely the types of differences that scare me. And yet, as we have journeyed through our pregnancies together, virtually at least, I have felt this affinity for her, this closeness grown out of our shared experiences. And so, I am deeply sad and worried for her, and indeed, though I'm not sure that I even believe in God, I have, for her sake, tried to pray.

It's funny, the connections that pregnancy forges. I feel intimacies with people that I'm sure I would not share were we not both becoming parents. And yet, these connections are real, and valuable. I hope that as I become a parent, as I raise my child in this wild, wild world, that I continue to find ways to expand my notions of community, and indeed, of love. This is, after all, the radical potential of family-making.

For now though, I am just feeling sad for my friends, these two women who don't know each other and probably never will, and yet, who have both touched my life.

My Little Fang

So, as I creep toward the end of the nerve-wracking first trimester, I have a host of good news to report. First of all, the baby has a heartbeat. Detected somewhat early, at 9 weeks and 2 days, it was quite possibly the coolest thing I've ever heard. Swoosh swoosh, swoosh swoosh, swoosh swoosh... 165 beats per minute, which is apparently just right for this phase of pregnancy. And interestingly, my midwife unthinkingly referred to the baby as "she." Now we've got another eight weeks before we get to have THAT ultrasound, but I have just been assuming that I am having a boy. Suddenly though, through a slip of the tongue, I feel like I've got options. And somehow, that's very exciting to me.

Now, upon hearing that heartbeat, all of my resolve to not have an early (and many would say unnecessary) ultrasound flew out the window. Dammit, I wanted to see that baby! Thus, at 10 weeks and 1 day, my trusty friend J and I made our way to Advanced Medical Imaging, where a very friendly ultrasound technician smeared my belly with goo and revealed to us that indeed, there's a baby in my belly. (And happily, I do mean a baby. Singular. This is a good thing. I'm finally feeling excited about being pregnant again, but twins might have pressed it...)

The baby has arms. The baby has legs. The baby has a heartbeat. As we watched, the baby kicked and floated around. It was really, amazingly, beautifully crazy.

However, to dampen somewhat this maternal bliss, I must also report that the baby is pinching at my uterus in a somewhat uncomfortable fashion. In fact, I can't shake the feeling that the baby has somehow grown a large tooth, and is gnawing away at my uterine lining. While I know logically that what's in there is this:



(Yup, that's my baby!)

I feel like the kid might actually resemble this:



So that's my story. I've got either a baby or a fanged creature hanging out in my midsection, and I'm feeling pretty good about it!

In other news, I'm happy to report that I'm no longer quite as nauseous, and thus, will endeavor to be a better blogger, updating you, my breathless audience, on every minute development. Oh I know you're excited...