Tips for Planning a Queer-Friendly Birthing Class

So, as we approach the final week of my birthing class, I've been thinking about the sort of feedback I'd like to provide to our instructor. In doing so, it occurred to me that it might be useful to compile this as a list that might be helpful to others. Please note that this is not meant to be comprehensive, but rather, to serve as a starting point for a discussion on how to plan better, more inclusive, birthing classes. If you have specific additions or suggestions, please leave a comment, and I'll incorporate them into the post.

1. Advertising and Promotional Materials
Does your website or course brochure picture new parents? Consider including pictures of same-sex couples, of single parents, and of pregnant people who are transgender or genderqueer. Are the participants pictured racially and ethnically diverse? Differently abled? Does the language in your brochure refer to "couples," and to "moms" and "dads"? Perhaps consider adjusting your language to be more inclusive. (More on language below...)

2. Class Policies
One of the reasons I chose the class that I did was because the instructor didn't bat an eye when I asked if I could bring two people to each class, both of whom would be acting as my birthing companions. (The local natural and crunchy pregnancy/baby center, on the other hand, would have required that we pay an additional 50% of the course fee in order to bring an extra person.) For those of us with families that don't fit the two-parent norm, this is a big selling point.

3. Language! Language! Language!
This is might be the single biggest thing to think about when planning and teaching a class. Instructors, please recognize that using language that refers to a two-parent heterosexual family is incredibly alienating for those of us who are single parents, queer parents, parents with multiple partners. Here are some specifics:

Dads - This seems so obvious, I feel like I shouldn't have to write it, but the world of birth prep is full of the language of fatherhood. You know, not all families have dads. Some of us have partners. Some of us have two moms. Some of us don't have any other co-parents. I personally would advocate for just not using this word.

Partners- Okay, I'm a bigger fan of this. It's not gender-specific, it can be easily made plural, and I feel like it denotes a broader range of relationships. I would point out, however, that not everyone has a partner. Thus, it really shouldn't be used interchangeably with "birth coach," "birth companion," "birth partner," or whatever term your particular class uses for the people who are there to be part of the birth process.

Moms- This is a place where I think language becomes really challenging. So many messages out there tell us that the person bearing a baby is a mom, and, in the context of a family, the only mom. This isn't, however, always the case. First of all, I know quite a few transgender men who have gotten pregnant and born children. For them, the label "mom" simply doesn't fit. Second, I know many, many families in which there are two moms. In these cases, to refer to the pregnant person as "mom" subtly reinforces the notion (which is sadly all too prevalent in the world) that the partner who isn't pregnant also isn't "mom." My birthing instructor, for example, often says, "Okay, moms, do X, and birthing companions do Y." I often think about how I would feel if I were there with a pregnant partner who was constantly being referred to as "mom," while I was not. Non-bio moms are so often rendered invisible, socially, legally, culturally. This is a place where birthing instructors can have a great impact with their language. Perhaps using words like "pregnant people" rather than "moms" will feel awkward at first. But, it will make for much more inclusive classes.

4. Talking About Sex
We all have questions about sex. We all want to know what it's okay to do and not do in pregnancy. Please feel comfortable talking about sex, and don't assume that sex=penis in vagina with sperm. The other day, my birthing instructor said that sex can be a great way to help speed up labor - because of the chemical reaction of the cervix to sperm. It's fine to offer up this information, but do it in ways that recognize that not everyone's sex life involves sperm, and let the rest of us know how this information impacts us. One might say, for example, "Sex can be a great way to help a labor along, and those of you whose sex life involves sperm will have the added benefit of this chemical reaction." Similarly, parents who are single don't necessarily have outside sex partners. What about masturbation? Would that be helpful? If so, how?

5. Thinking About Bodies
Not all of us have gender identities that match our physical bodies. Not all of our bodies can do the same things. Think about how to make the material you present relevant to people who can't necessarily perform all of the exercises or motions you might suggest. Think about how to incorporate material that addresses the issues of people who identify as and are recognized as men, but have uteruses, and may be pregnant.

6. Information on Dealing with Hospitals, Doctors, etc.
Please keep in mind that those of us who don't have husbands have additional things to think about when planning our births. Is your local hospital queer-friendly? Will they allow a same-sex partner to stay overnight in the room, and have 24/7 access to the baby? What happens in the case of an emergency surgery, or, god forbid, a situation in which the birthing parent is no longer conscious? These are things that queer families need to think about in advance, and birthing instructors who educate themselves on these topics will be a great resource to their students.

Recommended Reading
The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth by Stephanie Brill discusses so many of these issues and more. I highly, highly recommend it both to people consider parenthood and to birth professionals who want a great resource for understanding more about queer parenting.

And now, for your thoughts...
This list is a work in progress. I often don't want to blog until I have a complete thought worked out. Here, however, I'm starting this list in hopes that it can become a collaborative effort. I will add more items as I think of them. And I encourage you to add comments and suggestions of your own. Let's make this a helpful resource for birth professionals and others!