The Truly Single Single-Mom

So, for me, one of the hardest and most complicated parts of becoming a single parent by choice is the fact that, until now, I haven't actually been single. Though I started thinking about having a baby when I was entirely unattached, in the year that it took me to make that idea a reality, I met someone I liked, started dating her, fell in love. By the time my first insemination rolled around, we had been dating six months. Our one year anniversary coincided with the beginning of this pregnancy. And thus, though this was always my idea, my project, my debt to the sperm bank, and, for now at least, my child, I was not, in some ways, becoming a parent alone.

Yesterday, we broke up.

The details of why and how and what didn't work are not ultimately so important here. We were two people who loved each other, who weren't meant to be partners. Certainly the fact that I am having a child played a role in that. But then, so did many other things.

The issue now is that, suddenly, at 16 weeks, I have finally become the single parent that, all those months ago, I thought I was choosing to be.

What I am losing here (aside, of course, from a person I loved) is not so much material support. Indeed, I have gone to most of my appointments alone. My friends have been at my side for inseminations and ultrasounds, and have committed to being there at my labor classes, and for the birth itself. My mother plans to move to my city in the summer, to help me care for my new child. I have plans in place for health insurance, day care, diapers. None of these are things for which I relied upon my ex.

But what I did get from dating her was that seductive sense of possibility, that dream that perhaps, just maybe, this could be the relationship that turned into a family. Being with her gave me this glimpse, this tiny taste, of what it might be like to do this with a partner. It allowed me to fantasize a world in which the person I loved, with whom I'd share my life, might also be the person squeezing my hand during labor, cooing at our newborn baby, and helping me through the wondrous messy joy of parenting.

Now, the reality is that she, although great in many ways, was never going to be that person. And somewhere deep down, I've known that for a long time. But of course, the challenge is to reconcile the head with the heart.

So today I am sad. Sad for the loss of someone with whom I shared so much, and sad for the loss of what never came to be.

And, I am scared. Scared of having a child alone. Scared of never meeting the right person. Scared that perhaps, I have made a huge mistake in becoming a single parent.

But, I am also hopeful. I know that in making these hard choices now, I am preparing myself to be an emotionally healthy, loving parent. And, I am grateful for my family and friends, and the amazing network of support that I have. Because as I've said before, I may be parenting without a partner, but I am certainly not doing this alone.

And so tonight, I grieve the loss of my ex. But, I am also full of love: for myself, for my child, for our future. In the midst of this sad, sad moment is an opening, a new beginning, a new sense of possibility. It's a whole new world today, and somewhere deep down, I believe that it's a good one.