Why I Love My Big Queer Family

So, after yesterday's mini-meltdown, in which I came face-to-face with my fears of going through this pregnancy alone, I decided to be pro-active about asking for some of the help and support I need. I sent an email to a few of my close friends and family members, telling them how scared and overwhelmed I felt, and asking them to make an effort to check in, stop by for tea, send an email, call, whatever. I know that one of the things that will be really important for me in this process is to have a group of people with whom I can be both unspeakably terrified and overwhelmingly excited.

Today, I received an incredibly thoughtful and loving email from one of the friends to whom I had written. She wrote, in part:

You know, we live in a fucked up society where babies belong to individuals and everyone rotates in their little ring of nuclear family life. You are forging an alternative community for your baby, and you have the friends to be part of it. I have re-dedicated myself in the last few years to being part of the lives of my friends' children. This is your baby, but you aren't in it alone.

C and I spoke about what your needs might be when you first started talking about having a baby. We talked about what we can do to be supportive. Never hesitate to ask for anything: rides, groceries, support. It makes us feel useful and helpful. Although physically, you are the one enduring the changes, you are not alone. You are part of a constellation. You have a lot of friends who put their actions where their politics are. A lot of us (C & I included) believe that children are a community affair - and new mothers should not be isolated. Your child represents the future of social change. Modeling alternative ways of community is an important part of making those new ways of being real.

As I read this, I started crying. Okay, so it's not that hard to make me cry these days. Still, I was so moved by her articulation of this vision of parenting that stretches beyond the heteronormative, or even the homonormative. Making a family, my friend asserted, is both an act of love and an act of politics. This child will enter the world surrounded by a group of people who love it, and love each other; who support it, and support each other. And being a single parent doesn't mean parenting alone. It just means taking the time to forge a new form of family.